Subjects of the galaxy! It is I, Mordred aka the Binary Bard. After my triumph with Astro-Knights Island, and my loyal subject Smart Bubbles’s defeat of my opponent who dared to use such underhanded tactics and words, I decided to utilize my newly found freedom on this simple planet of, errr… Earth.
Oh, no need to fear the authorities chasing after me after my escape from Erewhon—I’ve made sure to leave some… gifts in their computer systems as the poor fools try to track me.
Your pipsqueak of an “author” here, Smart Bubbles, as one of my most devout subjects, has given me access to this “blog”, along with this opportunity to travel her homeland…”United States of America.” I suppose I should thank her, although she has yet to betray her land of greasy foods and disgusting carbonated drinks for my kingdom.
(SB: Can I please see my family again.)
We left and saw some tours of the “Midwest”, which is truly all the descriptor you need for this place. It reminded me a bit of Arturus, but without any grandeur or history or mountains.
(SB: But WITH water purifiers, antibiotics, and a general life expectancy above fifty…)
We stopped at several places called “gas stations”. I do not understand your fascination with them, although I don’t quite have the same need to rest as you flimsy humans. I’m sure the journey would have been cut in half if a certain someone didn’t insist on buying a meager snack at every stop, none of which she ever offered me, of course!
Before we continue on to the main part, I’d like to clear some misconceptions you fools tend to have:
- “Is looking at an eclipse safe?”
An entire planet’s existence and you still ask this! Much to the surprise of some, staring directly at the sun, even with a SPLINTER of it cut off, will BLIND you. The only time it is safe to stare directly at a solar eclipse is at the point of “totality”, whence the sun is fully covered, the sky has a 360 degree “twilight” appearance, and all of the birds make a cacophony that makes me wish I had thought of a way to turn off my mechanical eardrums.
People with a shred of intelligence will use something to shield their eyes like those little glasses. I, however, do not have this weakness as my left eye is now immune to blindness. If anyone is interested after my writings, I am more than happy to take on subjects for cybernetic modifications.
(SB: Bard, that kills people.)
- “Are eclipses really rare if I hear about them all the time?”
There are two types of eclipses—or three, if you count lunar ones, but that does not apply here. Partial solar eclipses, where the moon never fully passes over the sun, are quite common, and you often might miss them if you don’t know of one happening. Total eclipses are when the sun is fully covered, turning into a “black sun”, and are safe to stare at during the totality period. These happen regularly, every few years, but only in different areas around the world. For the same location to experience a total solar eclipse twice, you may have to wait a few centuries—oh wait. You’re humans. You can’t. Pity.
- Is the world ending?
Somehow, you have managed to barely advance since the Dark Ages…
On the day of the eclipse, I took a chair for myself while my loyal subject spent her time eating sweets she made for the event, and complaining of the quite mild sunlight. At this point, I started to wonder if I had unknowingly made a deal with a vampire. During the progression, the temperature dropped significantly, even when the full eclipse was yet to happen—certain automatic lights turned on as it grew dark as well. And yes, the birds made noise.
It was quite pleasant to see the total eclipse without peasants running about in the fields like it was the end of the world—Arturus truly was thankless for the progress I gave it! The sky was clear enough to even see the red flares of the sun around the edges. It’s impressive how such a small change can completely alter the planet—Earth would be incredibly different if the path between it and its closest star was blocked permanently, like so. To most here, planets and moons and the like may seem far too big to be so fragile, but I’m well aware of how tiny they are in the grand scheme of things.
I believe that is all—from what I can see, I think the authorities have finally bypassed my small tricks. I leave you once again to await the coming of a new age to the universe—one that will certainly eclipse a small event like this!
(SB: Booooo 🍅🍅🍅)
Castori honorem ~ Smart Bubbles
Ad astra per aspera – Mordred (the Binary Bard)
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