Category: PHB Series

Continued from Part 2: Little Orphan Bloggers…

EXT ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE- NIGHT

(BLAKE pokes his head out of a bush, looking around. He makes an extravagant hand signal, and the other authors roll out after him.)

Blake: NO! The hand signal was to stay in the bush! You guys make TERRIBLE thieves!

HP: Well, sorry! YOU aren’t the one who got dropped off a roof and onto a WELL!

Blake: Yeah… Anyway, let’s go ahead down the chimney, and we should be good to go!

INT. ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE- NIGHT

(The AUTHORS drop from the chimney. BLAKE rolls into the living room, and walks toward the tree.)

Blake: Okay, now we just need to find the present and get out of here. HP, look through those presents.
HP: Sorry, dude. I’m a little more interested in the fact that there’s a fat guy stuck in the chimney.

(SANTA CLAUS is stuck in the chimney. BLAKE walks over to him.)

Blake: Wow, he’s actually real. Alright, we have the present! Now we just have to get out of here before Sister Mary wakes up, and we’re good as gold!

(THE AUTHORS walk out the front door, making sure to close it tightly. They climb back up to the roof.)

Blake: Guys. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Slippery: Jack the sleigh, deliver all these gifts and save Christmas?

Blake: Or, we could just use that train station over there.

Slippery: That works too.

INT. TRAIN- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS are sitting on the train, warming up.)

Blake: So what train is this anyway? We got the tickets pretty cheap.

SD: Judging by the schedule, it says we’re riding the Polar Express..

Blake: Hmm, never heard of it.

(THE CONDUCTOR pops out from behind Blake’s seat.)

Conductor: YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE POLAR EXPRESS?

Blake: Nope, not at all. Do you guys have any hot chocolate by chance? It’s friggin freezing in here.

Conductor: Hot chocolate?!

Blake: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Conductor: HOT CHOCOLATE?!

Blake: Yeah, pretty much.

Conductor: DO WE HAVE ANY HOT CHOCOLATE?!?!

Blake: YES THAT IS WHAT I ASKED NOW DO YOU HAVE ANY OR NOT

(A CHIPPER SONG begins to play in the background. THE CONDUCTOR begins bobbing up and down to the tune. He gets the first note out before BLAKE interrupts.)

Blake: Um, can I just get some water please?

Conductor: Water? Oh sure, whatever.

(THE CONDUCTOR hands BLAKE some water, and walks off.)

Blake: That guy is freaking weird. Hey, has anyone else noticed every passenger on this thing is a kid?

HP: Yeah, where are they taking them all anyway?

(BLAKE holds up a notebook, on which things are written.)

Blake: Guys, look! If you arrange the letters in TRAIN CONDUCTOR a certain way, it spells CHILD ABDUCTOR! That’s why everyone on the train is a kid!

GH: What? No it doesn’t. How did you even –

HP: Oh my Zeus, this makes perfect sense. We have to save these kids!

(BLAKE, HP and every author except for Spotted Dragon and Giant Hawk rush off. They are left pondering the reasoning)

SD: Wait, where’d they get the H from – or the B?

GH: Don’t ask me. I was going to ask the same thing…

(For a second, the two sit still, until they remember what HP said)

SD & GH: Wait a second – GUYS!!!

To be continued…

Continued from Part 1: The Party Starts Here…

INT. ST MARY’S ORPHANAGE

(THE AUTHORS walk inside, as a clearly After-Effect’sed in bolt of lightning sounds.)

Blake: Thanks for helping me out with the kids, guys! There are a few of them I’d like you to meet. Like this little guy! What’s up, Enrique?

Enrique: Hola, Senor Blake! Have you come to rid us of our demons?

Blake: Now, Enrique. You know for a fact that my exorcisms don’t happen until the summer months.

(ENRIQUE pouts and walks away. A young girl walks up to BLAKE, and he picks her up. She offers an earbud to him.)

Blake: Oh, hey Sally! You made a new song?

(He turns to the OTHER AUTHORS, mouthing the words “She’s a songwriter.” He puts the earbuds in.)

Blake: Wow! It’s just the sounds of a million drums.. hitting all at once! I love it! Very punk rock!

(SALLY breaks into a toothy grin and scampers off. BLAKE gets up, brushing off his pants. He turns to the AUTHORS.)

Blake: So, we should probably go find Sister Mary now.

(HE leads the AUTHORS into a corridor.)

INT. ST. MARY’S FOYER

(The foyer is dimly lit, with the alone source of light coming from the fireplace at the end of the room. Sitting in front of the fire, in a creepy sounding rocking chair is SISTER MARY. Upon the Authors’ entrance into the room, she stops rocking)

St. Mary: Come forward, new volunteers.

(Deterred by the eerie setting, the Authors stay put)

St. Mary: I said (fire spontaneously burns bigger and brighter) COME FORWARD!

(After a moment of silence amongst the Authors, GIANT HAWK steps forward)

Giant Hawk: Yes, Sister Mary?

(Sister Mary claps her hands, turning the foyer’s lights on. She gets up, presenting herself now in a more pleasant manner. She then advances forward, shaking hands with Giant Hawk)

St. Mary: Greetings young man, and welcome to my institution. Who may all you be?

Giant Hawk: Oh, hello. Well, we are the Authors of the Poptropica Help Blog, and –

St. Mary: Oh, that’s right! The Poptropica Help Blog! *murmur* I knew Popstar Humiliation Blog was too forward a name… *murmur*

Giant Hawk: What?

St. Mary: Never mind that. *ahem* Now, excuse the question, but are you the young man who contacted me earlier? Because you don’t sound nearly as delusional.

Giant Hawk: Delusional? Oh! You must mean Blake.

(Everyone turns around, discovering Blake outside the room, in the hallway, playing a Mighty Action Force card game with Sammy Fresh)

Sam: Blam-a-Sam-Sam! I won agan!

Blake: Ah man! This game is totally rigged!

Sam: Aight, homie. If you gon’ play like that, Imma let you in on something! The key to the game is-

(SAM is cut off by the AUTHORS entering the commons.)

HP: Hey Blake, we found Sister Mary and gave her those gifts you bought for the kids. Now, there was this really weird present in salmon-colored wrapping paper..

Blake: Wait. SALMON-colored?

SD: Yeah. We didn’t know what to do with it, so we just gave it to Sister Mary with the rest of them.

(BLAKE screams.)

Blake: You guys! That was the office Christmas present to Fishy! You know, that new diamond-encrusted trout she wanted so much?

HP: Yeah, she said it was reel-y expensive..

(Cut to BLAKE holding HP off the roof by his shirt collar.)

Blake: I swear to Zeus, if you make ONE MORE FISH PUN, I’m gonna drop you off.

HP: What the shell, Blake? No need to harbor such a grudge!

Blake: THAT’S IT!

(The other authors walk out as HP falls on them from below.)

Paul: You made fish puns in front of Blake again, didn’t you?

HP: Yes. But that’s not important right now… I think I landed on my boughs of holly..

(BLAKE jumps off the roof, landing in a perfect acrobatic somersault.)

Blake: So, we need to think of a way to get that present back. Anyone got a plan?

(DEAD SILENCE.)

Blake: Alright, SD! What’s your idea!

SD: Um… well… I remember seeing this Christmas special where they broke in to get the present back.. but this place looks like it has a really high-maintenance security syste-

(A SIZZLE OF ELECTRICITY is heard as Paul cuts the wire on the security system, disabling it.)

Paul: Oh, sorry. I took a few months of Burglary Academy a year ago, and..

Blake: Great! We’ll come back tonight and get the present.

To be continued…

It’s here, Poptropicans! The PHB Christmas special we promised will be posted in parts over the next 12 days leading up to Christmas. Here’s part one – enjoy!

EXT. PHB OFFICES

(The staff is gathered around a huge table. Clearly edited in SOUNDS OF LAUGHTER can be heard. BLAKE begins talking to his FELLOW AUTHORS.)

Blake: Well, it appears Christmas time has rolled around again. Are any of you going home for the holidays?

Fishy: Yes. I am returning to my native country of Iceland to be with my salmon family in this hard time of winter.

Blake: Alright then! I was gonna go help out that orphanage downtown, but if you guys don’t wanna go, then fine..

Paul: Alright, Blake. Normally you’re the definition of selfish and rude. What’s got you so cheery?

Blake: The blood of infants.

(A STUDIO LAUGH TRACK plays.)

Paul: No, but seriously.

Blake: Fine. Timmy put me up to this. Remember that bet we made, where I dressed up as a princess and walked around the offices for a week?

Paul: Yeah! I think Sam actually has that up on Youtube.

YOUTUBE SCREEN

(A YOUTUBE UPLOAD is shown processing. It cuts to black, then you hear the sounds of clicking. The video flashes on screen, titled USE_TO_BLACKMAIL_BLAKE.AVI. In the video, BLAKE parades around the offices, ruling over it like a kingdom. SAM snickers in the background.)

INT. PHB OFFICES

(THE AUTHORS stand around the table, idly. COMPLETE SILENCE is heard.)

BT: Um, Paul? You’ve just been staring at the wall for 5 minutes. There’s nothing there.

Blake: Well, there is HP hanging Slip from the TV again.

(OFFSCREEN, the sound of HP hanging SLIPPERY RAPTOR to the TV can be heard, followed by a loud thud. SLIPPERY shouts in pain, and the action cuts back to the AUTHORS.)

BT: Yeah, that is pretty interesting. Anyway, I’m going back to Early Poptropica for the holidays. I have family there, and I haven’t written home in a few years…

Blake: So I can count you and Fishy out for helping me at the orphanage? Whatever…

EXT. ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE

(THE AUTHORS, sans FISHY and BT, stand outside the orphanage. HP looks toward BLAKE.)

HP: Dude, why’d you drag us along?

Blake: Because we have two characters that we wrote off in the beginning of the special, and we’re pressed for time! Plus, Sister Mary needs our help with the kids anyway.

Sam rolls on the floor in a circle while laughing hysterically.

Slip: Wow, an orphanage actually named after a living person. Weird…

(SAM rolls in on a skateboard, and does an ollie over SAM, still laughing hysterically. He takes off his multicolored, 80s style sunglasses and smiles, revealing his single gold tooth. A close up shot of the tooth is shown. A single sparkle shines across the golden beauty.)

Sam: Yo yo yo! What up, it’s ya boy Sammy Fresh comin at ya live from the PHB Christmas Special!

HP: We don’t care.

Blake: The Gravity Falls references make this special twice as sad, but Sammy Fresh makes it twice as rad! Alright, let’s head inside.

Sam: Aight, dawg!

(SAM does an ollie over the threshold.)

This is Sammy Fresh, by the way –

To be continued…