PHB Specials, The Villain Saga

The Villain Saga – Talk Like a Pirate Day Special 🏴‍☠️🦞

HELLO THERE EVERYONE. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH HERE. MY RABBIT… ACQUAINTANCE? I CAN’T QUITE CALL HIM A FRIEND. HE SAID THAT TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, WHICH I FIND ABSOLUTELY ABSURD. YOU REALLY NEED DAYS FOR EVERYTHING?

ANYWAY. I WANTED TO CLEAR UP SOME THINGS, BECAUSE SOME OF YOU ARE TRULY BECOMING AN EMBARRASSMENT TO US VILLAINS.

FIRST. I BEG–NO, I NEVER BEG! I DEMAND THAT YOU STOP WITH THIS WHOLE “ARRR ME HEARTIES” STUFF! EVEN IF WE HAVE OUR WAY OF SPEAKIN’, WE DON’T HAVE MAGGOTS FOR BRAINS! MOST PIRATES COME FROM AROUND THE WORLD, MANY OF US FROM EUROPE OR ASIA. ME PERSONALLY, I’M FROM BRITAIN.

I CAN’T REMEMBER EVER SAYING “ARRRR” EITHER. THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING SOMEONE MADE UP IN FICTION TO MAKE US SEEM AS STRANGE AS THOSE ALIENS MORDRED TALKS ABOUT.

EITHER WAY, I JUST WANTED TO CLEAR THAT UP SO YOU KIDS COULD STOP MAKIN’ FOOLS OF US.

YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF ROOT BEER BECAUSE THERE’S NO GOOD STUFF HERE

– CAPTAIN CRAWFISH 🦞

The Big Sleep: A pirate just can’t get any rest around here.

Aye, so it appears Crawfish somehow bent the rules o’ time ‘n space t’ access me account. He also appears t’ nah understand wha’ the CAPS LOCK be. Me deepest apologies fer any confusion, but ahoy, nah me fault!

Honor t’ the beaver

Maryann/Smart Bubbles

PHB Series, The Villain Saga

“The Villain Saga” – Episode 2, Part 2

(Table of contents) (See previous)

CUT TO:

DIRECTOR D. and MADEMOISELLE MOREAU are in their office, waiting during another break between patients.

MOREAU

So, what’s taking so long? We have them, let’s go.

DIRECTOR D.

They’ve been tightening security even more than usual, and it doesn’t help that any of the helicopters have to be permitted by the computers in that “off-limits” upper floor.

MOREAU

Ah yes, Jupiter’s lab. Hasn’t Black Widow entered many highly-guarded museums before? She ought to be able to do something.

DIRECTOR D.

I asked her, and…

CUT TO BLACK WIDOW laughing for a solid few seconds, before answering dead-faced.

BLACK WIDOW

No.

CUT TO present.

DIRECTOR D.

…not very positive.

Continue reading ““The Villain Saga” – Episode 2, Part 2″
The Villain Saga

“The Villain Saga” – Episode 2, Part 1

(Table of contents) (See previous)

FADE IN.

INT. EREWHON PRISON – NIGHT

We see a very cluttered lab, filled with important scientific instruments as well as random glittery trinkets. A woman sits at her desk alone, dressed in a wrinkled lab coat, several empty energy drinks littered around her.

DR. JUPITER enters the room, holding a cup of morning coffee, and glances at the window.

DR. JUPITER

Have you…been working on that all night?

WOMAN

Yup!

(She jumps out of her chair.)

And I think I’ve found it, I’ve really got it this time! I mean, I hope–it didn’t go so great before, but I’m (almost) positive now!

DR. JUPITER

Cut to the chase, show me it.

Continue reading ““The Villain Saga” – Episode 2, Part 1″
The Villain Saga, Uncategorized

“The Villain Saga” – Episode 1, Part 3

(See previous)

INT. EREWHON LUNCH ROOM – SAME DAY

DIRECTOR D. and MOREAU are watching the prisoners from outside the lunchroom, through the window. Inside, the GUARDS are leading the three to their table.

MOREAU

What if we just told them who we actually are? Perhaps they would work better with a bit of fear pushing them.

DIRECTOR D.

Do you really think we can intimidate them? They may be desperate, but I doubt they’d all be willing to obey our every command if they felt they were being used.

MOREAU pinches her forehead.

MOREAU

If only one of them could keep them in line for us…

As if almost on cue, more (real) prison guards enter the hall, leading an older man dressed as a pirate, just as the AGENTS leave the lunch room.

EREWHON GUARD 1

Hey, is there any chance we can add him? He slept past lunch and we couldn’t do much about it.

One of the AGENTS shares a concerned glance with D. and MOREAU.

MOREAU

(Points at the window, towards the three)

…I don’t think it would be safe to put him in with them.

The PRISONER chuckles, leaning towards her, showing yellowed (and one real gold) teeth. MOREAU backs away.

CRAWFISH

I believe I can handle them m’dear!

DIRECTOR D. turns to the AGENT.

DIRECTOR D.

Let him in.

D. and MOREAU watch intently as the pirate is led into the room. Surprisingly, the other prisoners do not protest his seating at their table. One of the GUARDS hand CRAWFISH a tray of food before leaving. CRAWFISH practically starts drooling, and ties a cheap napkin to his shirt as though he were about to begin a 5 star feast.

DR. HARE picks at his food.

DR. HARE

I understand that this place has limited vegetarian options but…why are the mashed potatoes green?

BLACK WIDOW

If you think that’s bad, I think I chipped a tooth on the bread here once.

The COOK (Note: The same chef who served Myron Van Buren in Survival Island) enters from the kitchen, scowling.

COOK

Is that complaining about the food I hear?

DR. HARE

Unsurprisingly yes-

CRAWFISH

Ah, don’t listen to ‘em! This is delicious!

(He turns to the COOK, aware of who she is but just playing.)

Give my thanks to the cook.

The COOK chuckles, and gives him an extra serving before walking off. CRAWFISH starts to chow down, while the rest look at him in confusion.

DR. HARE

You actually like that stuff?

CRAWFISH

Compared to the months of maggot infested biscuits I had to endure, this is heaven!

MORDRED

I had to endure months—years—ages without anything. Without the brilliance of my cybernetics I most certainly would have perished of hunger!

(Somewhat to himself)

Per aspera…

BLACK WIDOW

Oh here we go again with the sob story.

MORDRED glares at her, but once again his grin hasn’t faded. WIDOW doesn’t back away but loses some of her boldness.

MORDRED

I don’t want your pity, I want the world’s punishment for what happened—

CRAWFISH stands, slamming both hands on the table.

CRAWFISH

Enough! I’m certain everyone here has a horrible tale to tell, but can I have a meal in peace?

MORDRED

Who are you to order me around?

CRAWFISH turns to him, his tone suddenly becoming more cautious.

CRAWFISH

I was simply making a suggestion for your own good, sir.

Pause. MORDRED nods, and the tension in the room settles a little as they all get back to eating. We look back at DIRECTOR D and MOREAU, who are so interested in the prisoner’s behavior that they don’t notice a shadowed DR. JUPITER lurking behind them.

DIRECTOR D.

He—he’s a leader.

MOREAU

Of course he is. Even evil pirates don’t want to face a mutiny.

DIRECTOR D.

Yes, but he knows how to work with them! Mademoiselle, I believe we’ve found the ones who can work for us.

The camera follows JUPITER leaving them, both “psychologists” still not even suspecting his presence. He turns down a corner, before mumbling to himself with a faint smile.

DR. JUPITER

As have I, friends. As have I.

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE 1.


And here we are! I’m just as excited to see where this goes as some of you are, and I’m happy so many of you have expressed interest in this series!

Of course, I can’t have a Villain Saga post without mentioning the amazing recent additions to the comic GEAR made!

Castori honorem ~ Maryann/Smart Bubbles

The Villain Saga

“The Villain Saga” – Episode 1, Part 2

(See previous)

FADE IN:

INT. EREWHON PRISON – MORNING

Looking at a door. We hear an elevator arrive down the hall.

A moment later, DR. HARE is escorted into the room by two GUARDS, both bald.

DR. HARE

So, anyway, I don’t know who thought it was a smart idea to have an economy entirely supported by carrots–who is that?

Camera looks at a table, where MOREAU, D., and BARD sit. BARD is at the end in handcuffs, giving HARVEY his usual grin.

DR. HARE

I’m sorry, I thought we were just going to talk some more, not be interrogated by the Joker.

MORDRED

How amusing it is that you think I am the jester here.

DR. HARE

You’re literally dressed–okay what’s going on?

DIRECTOR D. motions for him to come. DR. HARE is led to the table, to a chair near BARD.

DIRECTOR D.

We want to see how you work together.

MOREAU

And we’ll be meeting someone else soon…

(quietly, somewhat to herself)

…unfortunately.

Continue reading ““The Villain Saga” – Episode 1, Part 2″