Author: Blake

Continued from Part 1…

(The remaining AUTHORS are sitting in BLAKE’S office, as STRANGE MONSTER and POPULAR WOLF hold the door shut.)

Blake: Wow, I actually thought shooting them again would stop them.

Fishy: You just made it worse! Now they’re after us.

Blake: Well maybe someone should pay for lessons to teach me how to read, eh? How was I supposed to know the label said “Puppy Love?”

HP: I honestly thought it would turn them into dogs or something. But no, now they want to kill us.

Skinny Ice: Honestly? Not how I wanted to go down.

Ylimegirl: Yeah, I know. I wanted to go down on a beach in Paris, shooting down the enemy armies as my fighter plane barrels into the ocean..

(The ENTIRE GROUP stares in shock.)

Ylimegirl: What? Too vivid?

Blake: Um, yeah. So anyway, how do we stop them? Taking them down isn’t an option, since two of them are our own.

GH: There’s so many of them!

Paul: Well maybe SOMEONE shouldn’t have released them into the streets of Back Lot Island!

GH: You know, I thought that would work. You know, zombies LOVE Queequeg’s.

Paul: Have you been reading the landlord’s collection of zombie fanfiction again?

GH: Maybeeeee…

(The DOOR shatters, as SD pokes her head inside.)

SD: Hey guys! You guys wanna let me in there? I can show you the love you desire!

PW: They’re breaking down the door! What do we do?

Blake: It’s quite simple, actually. You see, if I just walk over to this crate and open my “Emergency Plot Point Kit,” I retrieve my..

(BLAKE pulls out a small bottle of black liquid.)

Blake: ANTI-LOVE SERUM!

WKF: Really? You couldn’t have pulled that stuff out when you shot them originally?

Blake: Shhhh…don’t ruin my moment.

(BLAKE aims carefully, and hits SD in the arm with an arrow dipped in the Anti-Love Serum. She quickly reverts to normal.)

Blake: Thank you, Plot Point Kit! Now, everyone grab a bow from the crate and start shooting!

(LATER *since I didn’t want to write the same sequence over and over…*)

Blake: Well, it looks like everything worked out alright in the end!

HP: It is a shame that nobody but us will ever see that epic action sequence we went through.

SD: Well, it is  a kid’s blog!

(THEY ALL laugh.)

Blake: Now, come on. Who’s ready for some Valentine’s pizza?

(The CROWD cheers as they all walk out of the entrance. Enter TALL CACTUS and CUDDLY KNUCKLE, drenched in mud.)

TC: Hello?  We made it!

CK: Yeah, whenever the bus crashed, we ended up in a mud bank, and went on a journey of self-discovery!

TC: Cuddly, I think the special’s over..

(A strange BLACK FIGURE materializes.)

Black Figure: Not necessarily… How would you two like to join my Monster Army?

TC: Gladly!

CK: Yeah, we’re sick of getting 2-paragraph cameos at the end of things.

Black Figure: Excellent. Let us begin…

To be continued in the 2016 PHB Halloween Special…

Hope you enjoyed the PHB Valentine’s Special!

Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤

INT. PHB OFFICES- DAY

(The AUTHORS are gathered for their Valentine’s party. BLAKE is sitting on a folding chair, sipping some punch.)

HP: Dude, I can’t believe you brought that thing up three flights of stairs just for this gag.

Blake: Insert funny joke here.

(HP looks at BLAKE with a smirk. A STUDIO LAUGH TRACK plays in the background.)

Fishy: Quiet, everyone! Alright, as you all know, this is our first annual Valentine’s Day party, and of course, this will be the first office party open to the viewers.

Blake: Well, they did say to open up to them a bit more.

(Another STUDIO LAUGH TRACK.)

Fishy: Blake, if you press that laugh track button one more time, you and your folding chair are out of this party.

Blake: Fine, fine! We only chose six of them anyway.

Sam: Yeah, this is some weird Willy Wonka stuff right here.

Fishy: Well, think. There are nine of us. We don’t have enough room in here to have a wild party! Plus, the landlord will kick us out if we get too loud, so..

HP: Yeah, the landlord is pretty scary. Remember what she did to SD that one time she left the door open?

SD: Yeah… I don’t want to remember…

(SD shudders as the sound of a broom swooping in the air is heard.)

Fishy: We all pray for you, SD. Now, let’s get ready! They should be arriving any minute now.

(The door opens, and the six selected partygoers enter. Among them are YLIMEGIRL, POPULAR WOLF, BRAVE SKY, WIMPYKIDFAN, SKINNY ICE and STRANGE MONSTER.)

Popular Wolf: Oh my gosh! Great to be here, you guys! It’s always been my childhood dream to come here!
WKF: All my life I’ve imagined what this place would look like…. This isn’t it..

Skinny Monster: I thought we’d never get here! Stupid bus crash!
Blake: Well, all that really matters is that you’re here now. You guys mingle a bit, while us authors set up the games!

(BLAKE tapes a target to the wall, and gets out a BOW, which is emitting a strange pink glow.)

Brave Sky: Ooh, archery! I’m pretty good at this!
Blake: Yes, this game is basically archery. What’ll happen is, you get two shots, and whoever hits the target will score 10 points!

HP: Pssh, that’s easy, Blake.

Blake: The winner gets this caramel apple I found in the fridge!

(HP snatches the bow and two arrows from BLAKE.)

HP: DEAL! I’m up first!

(HP aims. The arrow slowly drifts right, and HP lets go, hitting SD in the arm by accident. He tries again, only managing to hit the cactus in SAM’S cubicle.)

SD: You know, I suddenly feel the strange urge to go hug that cactus.

(SD runs toward the cactus, leaving the remaining partygoers to ponder what just happened.)

Blake: Well, that can’t be good.
Sam: She’s after Phil! I have to stop her!

(SAM runs off. HP swipes an arrow from Blake’s quiver, and aims, accidentally hitting SAM.)

Sam: Ouch! What the heck, ma-

(The potion in the arrow’s tip takes it’s toll, and Sam is also drawn toward the cactus.)

Sam: Well, that settles it. C’mere, tiger!

(SAM runs into the cubicle with SD.)

Blake: Seriously, what’s going on? I mean, all I did was buy this bow and quiver of arrows from a shady guy with wing tattoos in the back of a van! Nothing wrong there!

Fishy: Wait, did you say wing tattoos? Could this actually be Cupid’s bow?

Blake: Probably! I mean, you know us, always getting into these kinds of situations…

Fishy: This is serious, Blake! We have a group of crazed love zombies running around the office!

Blake: Oh, those are just my fans. Some say my humor makes them dumber by the minute.

(Once again, a STUDIO LAUGH TRACK.)

Fishy: That’s it. Get out.

To be continued…