(Table of contents) (See previous)
INT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP “H. M. S. SEA CHICKEN” – EARLY MORNING
Crack of dawn. No one is awake, not even the Captain himself–except for those trapped in the galley. The COOK is busying herself preparing breakfast while barking orders at RAVEN and HARE.
COOK
What is this? You’ll break the Captain’s gold tooth with this hard tack!
(She tosses it back at HARE)
Soak it longer!
HARE yawns, struggling to keep his head up as he stirs a bowl of pea soup.
HARE
…Ants…don’t let the ants…get in here…zzzzz…
The COOK lifts a couple heavy pans from a cabinet, turning to RAVEN with one in each hand.
RAVEN
I thought we were almost done with prep?
COOK
Oh, this isn’t for “prep”…
(She pushes the pans into RAVEN’S arms)
It’s time to get the others up. Off to the fo’c’sle with ye!
RAVEN navigates up stairs and through the creaking hull of the ship, passing by empty rooms full of supplies for food and warfare that at any other time would be bustling with working pirates. He manages to sneak a peek at one room storing canons and gunpowder.
When he reaches the sleeping quarters, everyone is in their hammocks, save for the spots where he and HARE would be–and also BARD’S, as the cyborg has cemented himself as an Eldritch horror unchained to human laws.
RAVEN looks back down at the pans in his hands, then a wide grin spreads across his beak.
BANG!
BANG!
BANGBANGBANG!
RAVEN
UP AND AT’EM!
(con’t)
WAKEY WAKEY!
(con’t)
THE SUN IS SHINING!
This jolts even the sleepiest members of the crew awake, with some in unfortunately-placed hammocks banging their heads in a rhythmic sound on the ceiling or the person hanging above them.
DIRECTOR D.
Ouch!
WIDOW
And the bird is chirping…
RAVEN moves around the room, still banging the pans.
RAVEN
NO SLEEPING IN!
MOREAU
Or what?
(Yawns)
We will miss a glorious day of watching the sea pass us?
PIRATE #2
If the captain’s right–which he always is–we should reach the island before nightfall.
MOREAU
Oh, joy~
DIRECTOR D. swings his legs from his hammock, rubbing his head–where his toupee has been shifted.
DIRECTOR D.
Ringmaster Raven…
(con’t)
I think…you can stop that now…
CUT TO:
INT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP, MESS HALL – MORNING
The mess hall is connected to the sleeping area, with little dividers between either room. A couple pirates make work of getting the tables and chairs ready.
Meanwhile…
CUT TO:
EXT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP, DECK – MORNING
DIRECTOR D. stands outside CRAWFISH’S cabin, knocking on the door.
DIRECTOR D.
Breakfast’s ready…
(con’t)
Also, may I use your wash basin and private bathroom again?
CRAWFISH
Go to the head like everyone else!
DIRECTOR D.
I am NOT doing that again!
FADE TO:
INT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP, MESS HALL – MORNING
Everyone has gathered around the table, where there are bowls of soup, jerky, and slightly-less-hard-than-Crawfish’s-gold-tooth hardtack. Most of the crew is still half-asleep.
CRAWFISH tears off a bite of jerky.
CRAWFISH
How’s it look for docking?
WIDOW
We’ve found a shore that’s empty.
BONNY
What she didn’t notice, however, is that it’s covered in rocks.
EDWARD
Best to anchor further away and just send out the small boats, then.
DIRECTOR D. serves himself some more peas. His napkin is carefully held in place with his collar, and his manners are immaculate, which really makes him stand out next to the sailors who are practically putting their faces in their plates.
DIRECTOR D.
I wonder if that Mustachio guy made it back…
MOREAU
Who?
DIRECTOR D.
From the prison. Do you remember that one guy with the big mustache who liked to…entertain us with his tall tales?
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK to Season 1, showing a different moment from their meeting with EL MUSTACHIO GRANDE.
DIRECTOR D.
Sir, could you perhaps tell us more about yourself? Maybe start with some of your childhood?
MUSTACHIO
‘Course! I had my first shot at the age of twelve, all with a peashooter my grandpappy gave me as a birthday present!
(con’t)
I was making notches on my pistol a few years later, after I had already become the head of my own gang.
(con’t)
At the age of sixteen, I had managed to rob the county bank THRICE! Not twice! THRICE! And all on a horse stolen from Annie Oakley herself!
DIRECTOR D.
Uh, sure. Could you go back a little further than that?
MUSTACHIO
Well, at the age of five, I had already learned to round up an entire horde of rogue cattle…
CUT TO:
Back to the PIRATE SHIP.
HARE
And you didn’t believe any of that?
DIRECTOR D.
Of course not, and I thought you’d be more skeptical.
HARE
Well OBVIOUSLY not all of it is true, but look around. You’ve got a scientist who turned into a hybrid bunny-person and powered a rocketship with just carrots.
DIRECTOR D.
I never thought of it that way…
BARD
(Incredulous)
*Only* carrots?
CUT TO:
INT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP, HULL – AFTERNOON
The villains are now gathering around to formulate a plan for their next stop. EDWARD kicks open a chest.
EDWARD
We’ve got these from our previous travels. Any look good to ye?
WIDOW
Useable. We might look like ruffians but not too out of place.
MOREAU
Why don’t you masters of disguise alter them a bit?
DIRECTOR D.
Would’ve been good to start that a while ago instead of the day before we’re supposed to head to Dusty Gulch.
RAVEN peers into the chest, holding up a cowboy hat with a metal emblem on the front of the band.
RAVEN
At least they’ve got one of the–ooohh shiny…
DIRECTOR D.
Who’s coming with us?
MOREAU
I am. Anything to get off of this boat.
WIDOW
Yes.
RAVEN
(still looking at the hat)
I think I’ll stay behind but uh…can I keep this?
HARE snatches the hat from him.
HARE
I don’t care what you say, I’m jumping off here! I’m sure I can fit the part!
RAVEN
It’s not even fitting over your ears!
HARE
I’ll just add a few holes.
RAVEN
That would just make you stand out more!
BARD
May I?
HARE reluctantly tosses BARD the hat.
HARE
Speaking of people who won’t fit in, how’s our local Shakespearean cyborg going to get around?
DIRECTOR D.
We already agreed he can’t.
Not listening to anyone’s concerns, BINARY BARD swaps out hats. He proceeds to do his attempt at fitting in with the local population. His next line is read as though it’s Foghorn Leghorn with a small potato in his mouth while still forgetting he’s not supposed to trill his R’s.
BARD
Greetin’, ye fellow outlaws! T’a’int right that your land is crumbling under the ol’ sands of time, but we have come to shift the planes of yer reality!
EVERYONE is staring at him like he has just announced his plans to destroy a kitten orphanage.
RAVEN
That…might be the single most horrifying thing I’ve seen and heard in my life.
HARE
Congratulations, you’ve replaced my sleep paralysis demon.
DIRECTOR D.
So it’s just me, Moreau, Widow, and Hare so far.
CRAWFISH
I’ll join you as well. Gives me some time to stretch my leg.
HARE
I could also do readings of the dimensional fracturing while we’re there. If we can find any direction it’s worse in, that’ll help narrow down our search.
WIDOW
How does one even stop something like time?
BARD
(Normal voice, thankfully)
I’ve been trying in vain to find the answer to that.
FADE TO:
EXT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP – DAWN
HARE, DIRECTOR D., WIDOW, MOREAU, and CAPTAIN CRAWFISH are heading off the ship in a lifeboat. A few of the pirates are saying their goodbyes.
EDWARD
We’ll see you soon, I hope!
CRAWFISH
(Smirks)
I’ve got my eye on you all still! No mutinys!
The lifeboat descends. CRAWFISH helps the others row it to the sandy shore, which reaches into an expanse of red cliffs, striped as though a rather large child had spent their days running along them with a paintbrush. They leave their boat and head off into the sunrise.
FADE TO:
EXT. DUSTY GULCH SURROUNDING DESERT – DAY
Of course, the magic of this new landscape can only last so long, along with the cooler mornings. By midday, the sun is now beating down on the Wild West crew.
HARE
My…my fur…I think…it’s dissolving…
MOREAU
Can’t we take a break?
CRAWFISH
It will only take us longer to reach town then!
MOREAU
(Also trying not to turn into a puddle, but wanting to save face)
It’s a bit easier for some of us not wearing animal suits or all black.
WIDOW huffs. She’s actually wearing a red shirt this time. Still, her head has become a mini microwave from her hair.
They continue onward into the sun. At this point, CRAWFISH and DIRECTOR D. have removed their coats, and HARE is practically being dragged along by the former.
HARE
All day, I’ve faced a barren waste…
(con’t)
Without the taste of…water…
(con’t)
…Cool…clear…water…
Even with her large-brimmed hat that she brought along, MOREAU still has to add her hand to shield her eyes to look ahead.
MOREAU
What about that?
Ahead on the horizon, she can see shimmering ripples, like a massive lake that expands through the valley.
HARE
(Muffled on the ground)
That’s a mirage.
DIRECTOR D.
We all brought enough water to make it from Point A to Point B. Keep movin–
He’s stopped by another sight on the horizon. Not a mirage, but a group of riders on horses, charging straight at the group.
DIRECTOR D.
Quick, everyone!
The group falls into place, standing straight and trying to look as normal as possible for some random people walking through a barren land with no civilization in sight. The three riders circle around them. One has a sheriff’s badge on his shirt.
DEPUTY
Halt!
(con’t)
What are you strangers doing out here? We’ve got the Mustachio gang back again, it’s not safe in these parts.
DIRECTOR D’S interest is piqued by the mention of the gang, but he holds it back.
DIRECTOR D.
Oh! We’re travelers, none of us are familiar with this place.
(con’t)
Y’see, there was another attack of bandits back in our home, so we’ve decided to move. Unfortunately, our map didn’t quite give us the right roads.
DEPUTY
Strange lookin’ bunch y’all are…
(con’t)
Dusty Gulch is ahead, you’ll reach it well before nightfall. Ladies, would you like us to give you a ride back?
WIDOW steps back.
MOREAU
(Hissing, to WIDOW)
Your pride will be your end, someday.
(To the DEPUTY)
Merci, sir.
DEPUTY
Ah, a special lady indeed! We’ll find an inn for you and your companions when they arrive.
HARE
Can I have a ride?
DEPUTY
No.
The three officers take off on their horses, leaving the group to continue their walk under the sun.
CUT TO:
EXT. DUSTY GULCH – AFTERNOON
As the first to arrive, MOREAU spends some time looking around the town after she has reserved their rooms. Leaving the inn, she steps onto a bustling dirt road in the center of town, with jaunty piano music coming through the windows of nearby saloons.
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN
Hair growth treatment! Try Mr. Pirelli’s treatment today! Grows back in a week!
MOREAU
(To herself)
Should I…
(Chuckles)
Non.
There’s a shot of a water tower as she continues exploring. On it is a WANTED poster featuring El Mustachio with bold, red text: HE HAS RETURNED!
MOREAU is back in front of the inn when the other four arrive, looking like absolute wrecks, all with terrible sunburns.
MOREAU
(Grimacing)
Ouch.
DIRECTOR D.
Yeah, we probably should have brought more sunscreen.
Grumbling, WIDOW pushes past them and heads straight into the inn.
MOREAU
She’s like a little orchid, she needs some shade. Perhaps she’ll stay there the whole time we’re here!
HARE drags himself through the half-doors, having finally been dropped by CRAWFISH.
HARE
…Water…water…
From inside, we hear a customer yelling at HARE.
CUSTOMER
Who—hey! You! That’s my glass!
HARE
(Spluttering)
Ugh! That’s not water…
Back to the three on the porch.
DIRECTOR D.
So Mustachio is absolutely in this area, which makes this a lot easier for us. We just have to find him without alerting the sheriffs.
CRAWFISH
I do have to say, the way this place feels is…odd.
(con’t)
Now that I’m thinkin’ about it, I feel better here than I did at the prison. But something is…off…
HARE joins them on the porch, with a glass of water the size of his head and that he already drank half of.
HARE
When it’s not hot enough to vaporize the inside of a spittoon, I’ll take a look around for more samples.
CRAWFISH
Hopefully we won’t be here too long. I worry what my crew will be up to.
DIRECTOR D.
They came all the way to pick you up from prison, I’m sure they miss you already.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAPTAIN CRAWFISH’S SHIP, DECK – AFTERNOON
The entire crew of pirates is dancing in a circle around one of the masts. RINGMASTER RAVEN is in the background, playing the accordion.
PIRATES
(Singing)
No more swabbing,
No orders to follow!
Now we may dance on the deck,
And don’t have to clean it ‘till the ‘morrow!
Let us sing, for we are free—
From Crawifsh’s tyranny!
The worst punishment these criminals could possibly receive is being sent to Arizona.
Castori honorem ~ Maryann/Smart Bubbles
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