Category: PHB Series

Continued from Part 3: Tut Tut, Looks Like Train…

INT. TRAIN BOILER ROOM- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS, sans Giant Hawk and Spotted Dragon, barge into the boiler room, as BLAKE and HP tackle the CONDUCTOR.)

Blake: The jig is up, conductor! Where are you taking these kids?
Conductor: To the North Pole, of course!
Blake: A likely story. Get him, guys!

(The remaining AUTHORS tackle the conductor, tying him to the boiler. BLAKE steps up to the controls.)

Blake: Okay, one SLIGHT problem. Do any of you know how to DRIVE a train?

HP: Nope.

Paul: I think Giant Hawk does.

Blake: Great! Giant Hawk, quickly, do something!

(There is silence, as the remaining AUTHORS look around for Giant Hawk)

Blake: Wait – where IS he?

Slip: And where’s Spotted Dragon?

Sam: I’ve got no clue, dawgs.

Blake: Alright, then. Brace for impact, I guess.

(The remaining AUTHORS grab onto the train’s handrails as the train derails. After the train lands, the wounded remaining AUTHORS climb out of the wreckage. SD and GH suddenly appear, outside of the wreckage and completely unharmed)

HP: Wait? How did you guys get here? Where were you?

SD: Oh, we didn’t leave the train car when you guys did.

GH: Yeah. But when we realized what you guys were doing, we found the emergency exit and escaped.

Sam: Sounds tubular!

Blake: Oh, quiet Sammy Fresh.

(SAMMY FRESH’s usual radical smile turns into a bogus frown)

Blake: Hey guys, look! The aurora borealis! Hmm, he was telling the truth after all.

Slip: Alright, we get it. Now, are we gonna take the sleigh NOW or what?
Blake: Sure, do it your way. Clearly, my idea didn’t work.

SLEIGH- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS are sitting in Santa’s sleigh, delivering presents to children. BLAKE hops into the sleigh, after going down his 39th consecutive chimney.)

Blake: Guys, can someone ELSE be Santa now? I think I may have gotten lung cancer.

HP: Well, we do have this guy.

(HP gestures to SANS, sitting in the back of the sleigh playing a trombone. BLAKE frowns.)

Sans: Well, that’s the expression of someone who just got DUNKED ON.

Blake: Oh, shut up. You’re just a throwaway gag.

Sans: Or am I?

Blake: Yes you are. Now, back into the Throwaway Gag Closet with you.

(BLAKE ushers SANS out of the scene. From offscreen, PAPYRUS’ voice can be heard)

Papyrus: Aw, they kicked you out too?

Blake: So then, next house?

SD: Sure, go ahead!

HOUSE ROOF- NIGHT

(BLAKE and HP sneak out of the sleigh and drop the gifts down the chimney.)

Blake: Wow, this new “speed delivery” thing is working wonders!

HP: Yes, yes it is. Well, only one last house to go, team!

Blake: Oh, it’s Fishy’s house! Welp, we have what we need! Let’s go!

(BLAKE goes down the chimney.)

INT. FISHY’S HOUSE- NIGHT

(BLAKE plops down into the fireplace.)

Blake: Alright, now just find where she keeps the presents and this whole night will be over.

(SUDDENLY, A LIGHT flickers on in Fishy’s kitchen. FISHY walks out, sleepily.)

Fishy: Blake? What are you doing here?

Blake: Okay, panic. Is this gonna be like a Grinch moment or-?

Fishy: Oh, hey? Is that the trout you guys got me for Christmas?
Blake: Yeah, it i- Wait. You KNEW?!

Fishy: Of course, Blake! I own the blog. You can’t get much by me.

Blake: I see. Look, just take the present and know we went through a lot of trouble to get it, okay? I’m not one for these gushy moments..

Fishy: Alright. Merry Christmas, Blake.

(BLAKE turns to FISHY as he goes up the chimney.)

Blake: Merry Christmas, Fishy.

INT. BLAKE’S HOUSE- MORNING

(BLAKE walks out in his robe, and turns on his light. Sitting next to his puny excuse for a Christmas tree is a small present. On it is written, TO BLAKE, FROM FISHY.)

Blake: No way. I could have sworn I changed the locks after last Christmas..

(BLAKE crouches down and opens the present. Inside are letters from the PHB community, thanking him for all he’s done. BLAKE sniffles with happiness. At the bottom, there is a note from someone not quite in the PHB community. BLAKE reads it aloud.)

Blake: Dear Blake, thank you for all your help. You’ve been a really good boy somewhat good this year. Sincerely yours, Santa Claus.

(SANTA’s laugh is heard as the letter disappears in BLAKE’S HANDS. He looks outside to see SANTA flying off on his sleigh. BLAKE turns to the camera.)

Blake: Keeping with the theme of traditional holiday specials, I guess you’re expecting me to learn some sort of lesson from this. Well, truth is, I didn’t learn anything at all. All I learned is that going down chimneys is extremely difficult work.

FIN

Continued from Part 2: Little Orphan Bloggers…

EXT ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE- NIGHT

(BLAKE pokes his head out of a bush, looking around. He makes an extravagant hand signal, and the other authors roll out after him.)

Blake: NO! The hand signal was to stay in the bush! You guys make TERRIBLE thieves!

HP: Well, sorry! YOU aren’t the one who got dropped off a roof and onto a WELL!

Blake: Yeah… Anyway, let’s go ahead down the chimney, and we should be good to go!

INT. ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE- NIGHT

(The AUTHORS drop from the chimney. BLAKE rolls into the living room, and walks toward the tree.)

Blake: Okay, now we just need to find the present and get out of here. HP, look through those presents.
HP: Sorry, dude. I’m a little more interested in the fact that there’s a fat guy stuck in the chimney.

(SANTA CLAUS is stuck in the chimney. BLAKE walks over to him.)

Blake: Wow, he’s actually real. Alright, we have the present! Now we just have to get out of here before Sister Mary wakes up, and we’re good as gold!

(THE AUTHORS walk out the front door, making sure to close it tightly. They climb back up to the roof.)

Blake: Guys. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Slippery: Jack the sleigh, deliver all these gifts and save Christmas?

Blake: Or, we could just use that train station over there.

Slippery: That works too.

INT. TRAIN- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS are sitting on the train, warming up.)

Blake: So what train is this anyway? We got the tickets pretty cheap.

SD: Judging by the schedule, it says we’re riding the Polar Express..

Blake: Hmm, never heard of it.

(THE CONDUCTOR pops out from behind Blake’s seat.)

Conductor: YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE POLAR EXPRESS?

Blake: Nope, not at all. Do you guys have any hot chocolate by chance? It’s friggin freezing in here.

Conductor: Hot chocolate?!

Blake: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Conductor: HOT CHOCOLATE?!

Blake: Yeah, pretty much.

Conductor: DO WE HAVE ANY HOT CHOCOLATE?!?!

Blake: YES THAT IS WHAT I ASKED NOW DO YOU HAVE ANY OR NOT

(A CHIPPER SONG begins to play in the background. THE CONDUCTOR begins bobbing up and down to the tune. He gets the first note out before BLAKE interrupts.)

Blake: Um, can I just get some water please?

Conductor: Water? Oh sure, whatever.

(THE CONDUCTOR hands BLAKE some water, and walks off.)

Blake: That guy is freaking weird. Hey, has anyone else noticed every passenger on this thing is a kid?

HP: Yeah, where are they taking them all anyway?

(BLAKE holds up a notebook, on which things are written.)

Blake: Guys, look! If you arrange the letters in TRAIN CONDUCTOR a certain way, it spells CHILD ABDUCTOR! That’s why everyone on the train is a kid!

GH: What? No it doesn’t. How did you even –

HP: Oh my Zeus, this makes perfect sense. We have to save these kids!

(BLAKE, HP and every author except for Spotted Dragon and Giant Hawk rush off. They are left pondering the reasoning)

SD: Wait, where’d they get the H from – or the B?

GH: Don’t ask me. I was going to ask the same thing…

(For a second, the two sit still, until they remember what HP said)

SD & GH: Wait a second – GUYS!!!

To be continued…

Continued from Part 1: The Party Starts Here…

INT. ST MARY’S ORPHANAGE

(THE AUTHORS walk inside, as a clearly After-Effect’sed in bolt of lightning sounds.)

Blake: Thanks for helping me out with the kids, guys! There are a few of them I’d like you to meet. Like this little guy! What’s up, Enrique?

Enrique: Hola, Senor Blake! Have you come to rid us of our demons?

Blake: Now, Enrique. You know for a fact that my exorcisms don’t happen until the summer months.

(ENRIQUE pouts and walks away. A young girl walks up to BLAKE, and he picks her up. She offers an earbud to him.)

Blake: Oh, hey Sally! You made a new song?

(He turns to the OTHER AUTHORS, mouthing the words “She’s a songwriter.” He puts the earbuds in.)

Blake: Wow! It’s just the sounds of a million drums.. hitting all at once! I love it! Very punk rock!

(SALLY breaks into a toothy grin and scampers off. BLAKE gets up, brushing off his pants. He turns to the AUTHORS.)

Blake: So, we should probably go find Sister Mary now.

(HE leads the AUTHORS into a corridor.)

INT. ST. MARY’S FOYER

(The foyer is dimly lit, with the alone source of light coming from the fireplace at the end of the room. Sitting in front of the fire, in a creepy sounding rocking chair is SISTER MARY. Upon the Authors’ entrance into the room, she stops rocking)

St. Mary: Come forward, new volunteers.

(Deterred by the eerie setting, the Authors stay put)

St. Mary: I said (fire spontaneously burns bigger and brighter) COME FORWARD!

(After a moment of silence amongst the Authors, GIANT HAWK steps forward)

Giant Hawk: Yes, Sister Mary?

(Sister Mary claps her hands, turning the foyer’s lights on. She gets up, presenting herself now in a more pleasant manner. She then advances forward, shaking hands with Giant Hawk)

St. Mary: Greetings young man, and welcome to my institution. Who may all you be?

Giant Hawk: Oh, hello. Well, we are the Authors of the Poptropica Help Blog, and –

St. Mary: Oh, that’s right! The Poptropica Help Blog! *murmur* I knew Popstar Humiliation Blog was too forward a name… *murmur*

Giant Hawk: What?

St. Mary: Never mind that. *ahem* Now, excuse the question, but are you the young man who contacted me earlier? Because you don’t sound nearly as delusional.

Giant Hawk: Delusional? Oh! You must mean Blake.

(Everyone turns around, discovering Blake outside the room, in the hallway, playing a Mighty Action Force card game with Sammy Fresh)

Sam: Blam-a-Sam-Sam! I won agan!

Blake: Ah man! This game is totally rigged!

Sam: Aight, homie. If you gon’ play like that, Imma let you in on something! The key to the game is-

(SAM is cut off by the AUTHORS entering the commons.)

HP: Hey Blake, we found Sister Mary and gave her those gifts you bought for the kids. Now, there was this really weird present in salmon-colored wrapping paper..

Blake: Wait. SALMON-colored?

SD: Yeah. We didn’t know what to do with it, so we just gave it to Sister Mary with the rest of them.

(BLAKE screams.)

Blake: You guys! That was the office Christmas present to Fishy! You know, that new diamond-encrusted trout she wanted so much?

HP: Yeah, she said it was reel-y expensive..

(Cut to BLAKE holding HP off the roof by his shirt collar.)

Blake: I swear to Zeus, if you make ONE MORE FISH PUN, I’m gonna drop you off.

HP: What the shell, Blake? No need to harbor such a grudge!

Blake: THAT’S IT!

(The other authors walk out as HP falls on them from below.)

Paul: You made fish puns in front of Blake again, didn’t you?

HP: Yes. But that’s not important right now… I think I landed on my boughs of holly..

(BLAKE jumps off the roof, landing in a perfect acrobatic somersault.)

Blake: So, we need to think of a way to get that present back. Anyone got a plan?

(DEAD SILENCE.)

Blake: Alright, SD! What’s your idea!

SD: Um… well… I remember seeing this Christmas special where they broke in to get the present back.. but this place looks like it has a really high-maintenance security syste-

(A SIZZLE OF ELECTRICITY is heard as Paul cuts the wire on the security system, disabling it.)

Paul: Oh, sorry. I took a few months of Burglary Academy a year ago, and..

Blake: Great! We’ll come back tonight and get the present.

To be continued…