PHB Christmas Special, Part 4: Sleigh Ride

Continued from Part 3: Tut Tut, Looks Like Train…

INT. TRAIN BOILER ROOM- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS, sans Giant Hawk and Spotted Dragon, barge into the boiler room, as BLAKE and HP tackle the CONDUCTOR.)

Blake: The jig is up, conductor! Where are you taking these kids?
Conductor: To the North Pole, of course!
Blake: A likely story. Get him, guys!

(The remaining AUTHORS tackle the conductor, tying him to the boiler. BLAKE steps up to the controls.)

Blake: Okay, one SLIGHT problem. Do any of you know how to DRIVE a train?

HP: Nope.

Paul: I think Giant Hawk does.

Blake: Great! Giant Hawk, quickly, do something!

(There is silence, as the remaining AUTHORS look around for Giant Hawk)

Blake: Wait – where IS he?

Slip: And where’s Spotted Dragon?

Sam: I’ve got no clue, dawgs.

Blake: Alright, then. Brace for impact, I guess.

(The remaining AUTHORS grab onto the train’s handrails as the train derails. After the train lands, the wounded remaining AUTHORS climb out of the wreckage. SD and GH suddenly appear, outside of the wreckage and completely unharmed)

HP: Wait? How did you guys get here? Where were you?

SD: Oh, we didn’t leave the train car when you guys did.

GH: Yeah. But when we realized what you guys were doing, we found the emergency exit and escaped.

Sam: Sounds tubular!

Blake: Oh, quiet Sammy Fresh.

(SAMMY FRESH’s usual radical smile turns into a bogus frown)

Blake: Hey guys, look! The aurora borealis! Hmm, he was telling the truth after all.

Slip: Alright, we get it. Now, are we gonna take the sleigh NOW or what?
Blake: Sure, do it your way. Clearly, my idea didn’t work.

SLEIGH- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS are sitting in Santa’s sleigh, delivering presents to children. BLAKE hops into the sleigh, after going down his 39th consecutive chimney.)

Blake: Guys, can someone ELSE be Santa now? I think I may have gotten lung cancer.

HP: Well, we do have this guy.

(HP gestures to SANS, sitting in the back of the sleigh playing a trombone. BLAKE frowns.)

Sans: Well, that’s the expression of someone who just got DUNKED ON.

Blake: Oh, shut up. You’re just a throwaway gag.

Sans: Or am I?

Blake: Yes you are. Now, back into the Throwaway Gag Closet with you.

(BLAKE ushers SANS out of the scene. From offscreen, PAPYRUS’ voice can be heard)

Papyrus: Aw, they kicked you out too?

Blake: So then, next house?

SD: Sure, go ahead!

HOUSE ROOF- NIGHT

(BLAKE and HP sneak out of the sleigh and drop the gifts down the chimney.)

Blake: Wow, this new “speed delivery” thing is working wonders!

HP: Yes, yes it is. Well, only one last house to go, team!

Blake: Oh, it’s Fishy’s house! Welp, we have what we need! Let’s go!

(BLAKE goes down the chimney.)

INT. FISHY’S HOUSE- NIGHT

(BLAKE plops down into the fireplace.)

Blake: Alright, now just find where she keeps the presents and this whole night will be over.

(SUDDENLY, A LIGHT flickers on in Fishy’s kitchen. FISHY walks out, sleepily.)

Fishy: Blake? What are you doing here?

Blake: Okay, panic. Is this gonna be like a Grinch moment or-?

Fishy: Oh, hey? Is that the trout you guys got me for Christmas?
Blake: Yeah, it i- Wait. You KNEW?!

Fishy: Of course, Blake! I own the blog. You can’t get much by me.

Blake: I see. Look, just take the present and know we went through a lot of trouble to get it, okay? I’m not one for these gushy moments..

Fishy: Alright. Merry Christmas, Blake.

(BLAKE turns to FISHY as he goes up the chimney.)

Blake: Merry Christmas, Fishy.

INT. BLAKE’S HOUSE- MORNING

(BLAKE walks out in his robe, and turns on his light. Sitting next to his puny excuse for a Christmas tree is a small present. On it is written, TO BLAKE, FROM FISHY.)

Blake: No way. I could have sworn I changed the locks after last Christmas..

(BLAKE crouches down and opens the present. Inside are letters from the PHB community, thanking him for all he’s done. BLAKE sniffles with happiness. At the bottom, there is a note from someone not quite in the PHB community. BLAKE reads it aloud.)

Blake: Dear Blake, thank you for all your help. You’ve been a really good boy somewhat good this year. Sincerely yours, Santa Claus.

(SANTA’s laugh is heard as the letter disappears in BLAKE’S HANDS. He looks outside to see SANTA flying off on his sleigh. BLAKE turns to the camera.)

Blake: Keeping with the theme of traditional holiday specials, I guess you’re expecting me to learn some sort of lesson from this. Well, truth is, I didn’t learn anything at all. All I learned is that going down chimneys is extremely difficult work.

FIN