PHB Christmas Special, Part 3: Tut, Tut, Looks Like Train

Continued from Part 2: Little Orphan Bloggers…

EXT ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE- NIGHT

(BLAKE pokes his head out of a bush, looking around. He makes an extravagant hand signal, and the other authors roll out after him.)

Blake: NO! The hand signal was to stay in the bush! You guys make TERRIBLE thieves!

HP: Well, sorry! YOU aren’t the one who got dropped off a roof and onto a WELL!

Blake: Yeah… Anyway, let’s go ahead down the chimney, and we should be good to go!

INT. ST. MARY’S ORPHANAGE- NIGHT

(The AUTHORS drop from the chimney. BLAKE rolls into the living room, and walks toward the tree.)

Blake: Okay, now we just need to find the present and get out of here. HP, look through those presents.
HP: Sorry, dude. I’m a little more interested in the fact that there’s a fat guy stuck in the chimney.

(SANTA CLAUS is stuck in the chimney. BLAKE walks over to him.)

Blake: Wow, he’s actually real. Alright, we have the present! Now we just have to get out of here before Sister Mary wakes up, and we’re good as gold!

(THE AUTHORS walk out the front door, making sure to close it tightly. They climb back up to the roof.)

Blake: Guys. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Slippery: Jack the sleigh, deliver all these gifts and save Christmas?

Blake: Or, we could just use that train station over there.

Slippery: That works too.

INT. TRAIN- NIGHT

(THE AUTHORS are sitting on the train, warming up.)

Blake: So what train is this anyway? We got the tickets pretty cheap.

SD: Judging by the schedule, it says we’re riding the Polar Express..

Blake: Hmm, never heard of it.

(THE CONDUCTOR pops out from behind Blake’s seat.)

Conductor: YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE POLAR EXPRESS?

Blake: Nope, not at all. Do you guys have any hot chocolate by chance? It’s friggin freezing in here.

Conductor: Hot chocolate?!

Blake: Yeah, that’s what I said.

Conductor: HOT CHOCOLATE?!

Blake: Yeah, pretty much.

Conductor: DO WE HAVE ANY HOT CHOCOLATE?!?!

Blake: YES THAT IS WHAT I ASKED NOW DO YOU HAVE ANY OR NOT

(A CHIPPER SONG begins to play in the background. THE CONDUCTOR begins bobbing up and down to the tune. He gets the first note out before BLAKE interrupts.)

Blake: Um, can I just get some water please?

Conductor: Water? Oh sure, whatever.

(THE CONDUCTOR hands BLAKE some water, and walks off.)

Blake: That guy is freaking weird. Hey, has anyone else noticed every passenger on this thing is a kid?

HP: Yeah, where are they taking them all anyway?

(BLAKE holds up a notebook, on which things are written.)

Blake: Guys, look! If you arrange the letters in TRAIN CONDUCTOR a certain way, it spells CHILD ABDUCTOR! That’s why everyone on the train is a kid!

GH: What? No it doesn’t. How did you even –

HP: Oh my Zeus, this makes perfect sense. We have to save these kids!

(BLAKE, HP and every author except for Spotted Dragon and Giant Hawk rush off. They are left pondering the reasoning)

SD: Wait, where’d they get the H from – or the B?

GH: Don’t ask me. I was going to ask the same thing…

(For a second, the two sit still, until they remember what HP said)

SD & GH: Wait a second – GUYS!!!

To be continued…