PHB Christmas Special, Part 2: Little Orphan Bloggers

phb2015 christmas

Continued from Part 1: The Party Starts Here

INT. ST MARY’S ORPHANAGE

(THE AUTHORS walk inside, as a clearly After-Effect’sed in bolt of lightning sounds.)

Blake: Thanks for helping me out with the kids, guys! There are a few of them I’d like you to meet. Like this little guy! What’s up, Enrique?

Enrique: Hola, Senor Blake! Have you come to rid us of our demons?

Blake: Now, Enrique. You know for a fact that my exorcisms don’t happen until the summer months.

(ENRIQUE pouts and walks away. A young girl walks up to BLAKE, and he picks her up. She offers an earbud to him.)

Blake: Oh, hey Sally! You made a new song?

(He turns to the OTHER AUTHORS, mouthing the words “She’s a songwriter.” He puts the earbuds in.)

Blake: Wow! It’s just the sounds of a million drums.. hitting all at once! I love it! Very punk rock!

(SALLY breaks into a toothy grin and scampers off. BLAKE gets up, brushing off his pants. He turns to the AUTHORS.)

Blake: So, we should probably go find Sister Mary now.

(HE leads the AUTHORS into a corridor.)

INT. ST. MARY’S FOYER

(The foyer is dimly lit, with the alone source of light coming from the fireplace at the end of the room. Sitting in front of the fire, in a creepy sounding rocking chair is SISTER MARY. Upon the Authors’ entrance into the room, she stops rocking)

St. Mary: Come forward, new volunteers.

(Deterred by the eerie setting, the Authors stay put)

St. Mary: I said (fire spontaneously burns bigger and brighter) COME FORWARD!

(After a moment of silence amongst the Authors, GIANT HAWK steps forward)

Giant Hawk: Yes, Sister Mary?

(Sister Mary claps her hands, turning the foyer’s lights on. She gets up, presenting herself now in a more pleasant manner. She then advances forward, shaking hands with Giant Hawk)

St. Mary: Greetings young man, and welcome to my institution. Who may all you be?

Giant Hawk: Oh, hello. Well, we are the Authors of the Poptropica Help Blog, and –

St. Mary: Oh, that’s right! The Poptropica Help Blog! *murmur* I knew Popstar Humiliation Blog was too forward a name… *murmur*

Giant Hawk: What?

St. Mary: Never mind that. *ahem* Now, excuse the question, but are you the young man who contacted me earlier? Because you don’t sound nearly as delusional.

Giant Hawk: Delusional? Oh! You must mean Blake.

(Everyone turns around, discovering Blake outside the room, in the hallway, playing a Mighty Action Force card game with Sammy Fresh)

Sam: Blam-a-Sam-Sam! I won agan!

Blake: Ah man! This game is totally rigged!

Sam: Aight, homie. If you gon’ play like that, Imma let you in on something! The key to the game is-

(SAM is cut off by the AUTHORS entering the commons.)

HP: Hey Blake, we found Sister Mary and gave her those gifts you bought for the kids. Now, there was this really weird present in salmon-colored wrapping paper..

Blake: Wait. SALMON-colored?

SD: Yeah. We didn’t know what to do with it, so we just gave it to Sister Mary with the rest of them.

(BLAKE screams.)

Blake: You guys! That was the office Christmas present to Fishy! You know, that new diamond-encrusted trout she wanted so much?

HP: Yeah, she said it was reel-y expensive..

(Cut to BLAKE holding HP off the roof by his shirt collar.)

Blake: I swear to Zeus, if you make ONE MORE FISH PUN, I’m gonna drop you off.

HP: What the shell, Blake? No need to harbor such a grudge!

Blake: THAT’S IT!

(The other authors walk out as HP falls on them from below.)

Paul: You made fish puns in front of Blake again, didn’t you?

HP: Yes. But that’s not important right now… I think I landed on my boughs of holly..

(BLAKE jumps off the roof, landing in a perfect acrobatic somersault.)

Blake: So, we need to think of a way to get that present back. Anyone got a plan?

(DEAD SILENCE.)

Blake: Alright, SD! What’s your idea!

SD: Um… well… I remember seeing this Christmas special where they broke in to get the present back.. but this place looks like it has a really high-maintenance security syste-

(A SIZZLE OF ELECTRICITY is heard as Paul cuts the wire on the security system, disabling it.)

Paul: Oh, sorry. I took a few months of Burglary Academy a year ago, and..

Blake: Great! We’ll come back tonight and get the present.

To be continued…

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10 thoughts on “PHB Christmas Special, Part 2: Little Orphan Bloggers

  1. djscratchstep says:

    Favorite parts:
    “You know for a fact that my exorcisms don’t happen until the summer month.”
    All HP’s fish puns
    Paul went to Burglary Academy

    Keep up the good work, guys!

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